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As a beginning, many times I reflect and feel that it was 2018 that marked the first step in changing my spirit. But it seems like it was just a result accumulated over time. It serves as a marker, the so-called beginning of the "awakening" that started with Camus. The first thing that emerged in retrospect was emotion. At the beginning, it transitioned from shock to the anger of seeing through the "world's" deception, then to excitement, and ultimately sank into endless curiosity. The loss of the material world led me to walk towards the door of the spirit without hesitation. The process of self-exploration is full of twists and turns. Indeed, literature initially provided a rich space for fantasy, but when I tried to find answers within it, I often came away with vague indications. It was like encountering a guide in a desert, only for them to direct me to another desert. Yet, amidst these repeated indications, the path became clearer. It seems that from the start, there was an inevitable need to embark on this irreversible path, dictated by what is called "the way," "fate," or "absolute spirit." Is there a pattern to personal destiny? Looking back now, this spiritual journey has been filled with the power of dialectics. In the ongoing process of transcending itself, the spirit gradually moves from the inferior to the superior, from chaos to order, following an endless path of evolution. If we consider this entire journey, including future events that have not yet occurred, as a whole, could this existence be a manifestation of "absolute spirit"? And at this moment, as a node connecting the past and the future, does it simultaneously exist as history, a link, and development? If we talk about what has changed between the past and earlier times, the biggest difference is realizing one’s own ignorance. Secondly, it is recognizing what supports oneself. Thus, the year 2018 stands out more prominently as a symbolic beginning, increasingly evident through repeated retrospection. But without the previous accumulations, how could there be a beginning? Childhood was marked by an intense curiosity about the world, with endless questions to ask. Yet this curiosity was always accompanied by solitude, having no one to understand from the very start. Just one person, facing the wildly growing curiosity and an unfamiliar world filled with the unknown. Those sensory materials continuously surged into my mind, allowing me to easily establish sensory connections with the objects around me. That time was rich with the imagination of the world yet also marked by the most isolated reality. However, this did not hinder me; the limited world infinitely amplified my fantasies. Thus, as the beginning before the beginning, I found for the first time in writing the pleasure of aesthetics and the realization of fantasy. Similarly, as an emotional marker, that time was when I first felt the joy of the spiritual world unfolding. The beauty presented by the changing organization of written symbols, and the fantasy world constructed by them, provided a pleasure that transcended experience. In the subsequent days, which I would call the time of being lost, the satisfaction provided by fantasy only led to a more thorough fantasy. That meant completely opposing reality; the more one overturns reality, the more satisfying it becomes. Thus, it became impossible to discern what is fantasy and what is real—just a relentless progression, where the frustrations of reality led back to healing through fantasy. In the end, one will be pierced through the wrapped candy coat of fantasy. And the real beginning of gaining subjectivity was indeed 2018, more precisely, that morning after reading "The Outsider." As the earliest signpost, this book brought about the emergence of "my" presence in the world. It was a complete subversion, leading to thoughts that ultimately shaped who I am now. But this "cause" is also merely what has been assigned to it from now as I traverse back. It is precisely from this dimension that one can say this is an indication, as looking back from now reveals the direction it points to, and extends forward into the future. This is necessarily an irreversible path, yet it is a spiraling ascent; perhaps it will return to the starting point numerous times, but each return is a negation of the previous one.

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spiritual journey
personal growth
existential literature
self-exploration
curiosity