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Before the beginning
Many times reflecting back, I always feel it's 2018 that marked the first step in changing my spirit. But that seems to be just a cumulative result over time. As a marker, it signifies the so-called "awakening" that began with Camus. The first to emerge in that retrospection is emotion, from shock to anger at uncovering the "world’s" deception, then to excitement, and finally sinking into endless curiosity. The loss of the material world led me to confidently walk toward the door of the spiritual. The process of self-exploration has been full of twists and turns; indeed, literature initially provided a rich space for fantasy, but when I attempted to find answers within it, I often ended up with some vague directions, like meeting a guide in a desert, only to be directed to another desert. Yet through each of these indications, the path became clearer. It seems that from the very beginning, it was inevitable to walk this irrevocable road, determined by the so-called "way," "destiny," or "absolute spirit." Does individual destiny follow any pattern? Looking back now, this journey of the spirit is undeniably filled with the power of dialectics. In the continuous process of transcending itself, the spirit moves from the lower to the higher, from the disordered to the ordered, embarking on a path of endless evolution. If this journey, including things yet to happen in the future, is seen as a whole, does this existence represent the manifestation of the "absolute spirit"? And at this moment, as a node connecting the past and the future, does it also exist as history, a link, and a development?
If we were to say that there is any difference between the past and before, the greatest difference would be the realization of one's own ignorance. Secondly, it is the clarification of what supports one beneath their feet.
Thus, 2018, as a symbolic beginning, becomes increasingly prominent in the multiple retrospections. But without the cumulative experiences before it, how can one speak of a beginning? From childhood, curiosity about the world has always manifested, an intense curiosity. There have always been endless questions to ask. Yet this curiosity has always been accompanied by solitude, with no one to understand me from the very start. Just one person, facing the burgeoning curiosity and an unfamiliar world filled with unknowns alone. Those sensuous materials constantly flooded my mind, allowing me to easily establish emotional links with the objects around me. That period was a time rich with imagined worlds, yet the most isolated in the real world. But this did not hinder me; the limited world infinitely magnified my fantasies.
So, as the beginning before the actual beginning, I found for the first time in words the pleasure of aesthetics and the realization of fantasy. Similarly, as an emotional marker, that time was when I first felt the joy of the spiritual world unfolding. The beauty presented by the changing organization of written symbols, and the fantasy world constituted by them, provided a self-sufficient joy that surpassed experience. In the days that followed, I would call it the time of being lost. The satisfaction offered by fantasy would only lead to more thorough fantasies. This signifies a complete departure from reality; the more one subverts reality, the greater the satisfaction. Hence, it became impossible to distinguish between fantasy and reality. An incessant cycle of pursuing fantasies to heal from the defeats in reality. Ultimately, the sugary coating of the wrapped fantasy would still be punctured.
As for the real beginning of gaining subjectivity, it is indeed 2018, more precisely, that early morning after reading "The Outsider." It serves as the earliest signpost. This book brought about the beginning of "my" emergence into the world. It was a total overturning, and the thoughts triggered from this led to who I am today. But this "cause" is merely assigned to it by the present looking back. It is precisely from this dimension that one can say this is a direction pointing back, clearly seeing the orientation referred to and extending toward the future. This path is indeed an irrevocable one, but it is a spiraling ascent; one may return to the starting point time and again, but each return is a negation of the previous one.

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